When I was younger I used to come on the internet as a refuge. away from all the people that I mistakenly measured myself against. Now my refuge has become the outside world & nature. Things like Twitter and Facebook just serves to remind me that I still haven’t gotten over a few things. I still end up measuring myself against my friend’s lives and feeling like I come up short. Anxiety is a bitch. it’s my bitch.
I wish I could change the rules to suit me but I can’t. So I’m just going to enjoy nature and get some therapy.
(This post was brought on by this blog Fuck I’m in my 20’s then realising I’m in my 30’s now and nothing’s changed)
I spent some time watching ‘Girls’ tonight and I realised that some things at 20, are still the same at 30. What a fucking breakthrough. I have nothing in common with these people other than the crippling anxiety that still plagues me, the ‘not quite good enough’ feeling. I feel like I’m still a pretty good person though. Which brings me to another thought.
I’m starting to think that, honestly, we’re a bunch of assholes. In fact, asshole behaviour is not just encouraged, it is celebrated. Every time we reveal a little guilty secret about having slept with someone we shouldn’t have or that zinger we trot out at someone’s expense. we’re encouraged to think of ourselves first, sure, we do charitable things but because it makes us feel better and less of the asshole we are while we look down on others who aren’t as “giving” as we are. Guess what? that makes you an asshole. We’re living our lives like an Ayn Rand Utopian vision, all the while saying ‘at least I’m not as bad as that guy.’ But then again, maybe I’m just the asshole.